Last Tuesday I played a soccer game for the first time in about 15 years. Despite the long absence from the game, my resume preceded me: Cost Cutter Cup Champion, nineteen-ninety-something. I'm sure everyone's well aware of the famed Cost Cutter Cup, but for those who don't follow U-13 rec soccer in Bellingham, Washington: it's only the most prestigious thing you can win on a non-competitive youth team that doesn't have tryouts, has rules about giving all the kids playing time, and is coached by someone's dad. So basically, a really big deal.
It didn't seem to matter Tuesday night though. Wow, was I bad. I expected to sort of suck since I hadn't kicked a soccer ball in over a decade, but I figured my fitness would at least carry me to slightly above-average mediocrity. Nope. Despite being in the best shape I've been in since college, my body doesn't move laterally. If soccer required running at a consistent pace with only gradual turns -- preferably to the left -- I would've been a rockstar. But this whole sprinting and juking and cutting and lunging all while trying to control a ball is a freaking pain in the ass. And groin. And hips. Actually, it's sort of a pain in every muscle in my body, even ones I didn't know existed.
I won't get into one of those silly "which sport is harder debates" debates because it's stupid. Running is definitely more "I have to fight through pain and push myself" hard, but soccer is more technically challenging. If you suck at running, you're just slow. No one really cares. But if you suck at soccer, you sort of look like one of those dogs in YouTube videos who unwillingly has shoes strapped to his feet. It's awkward and embarrassing. Your brain knows what it wants your feet to do with the ball but your feet can't do it.
My shining moment came midway through our first game (as if one game after a 15 year hiatus wasn't bad enough, we opened the season with a double-header). I found myself sprinting into the 18-yard box right as my teammate sent in a beautiful low cross. All I had to do was put the ball on frame and I was guaranteed a goal. Keepers in this rec league are pretty bad so as long as you don't hit them in the chest, they're probably not saving anything. I distinctly remember running in to connect with the ball and thinking, "whatever you do don't launch this over the goal, just put it on target, that's all you have to do." Before the game, my cousin had told me that the easiest mistake to make in your first game is kicking the ball way too hard. Everyone boots their first few shots over the goal, that's the one thing I need to be careful of. Okay, got it. I need to just not do that.
Bam.
I skyed it.
You would've thought I was trying to hit a 63 yard field goal with the kind of air I put under the ball. Not even close. I made Zakuani's finishing look world-class.
We went on to lose both games by a combined 6-12 (ish). I had an assist or two somewhere in there and didn't kick anymore field goals so maybe that's improvement. But man, I'm horrible at soccer. It can only improve from here though, right? Our next game is Tuesday, and my goal is to have less completely embarrassing moments. I know I won't get back to my Cost Cutter Cup Champion brilliance in one week, but hopefully I can take a few steps in that direction.
