My below-average weekend

Anytime you start a story with something like “it could have been a lot worse” or “at least no one was hurt”, you know what follows will be at least mildly shitty.

Well my weekend could have been a lot worse; at least no one was hurt. And I do mean that somewhat sincerely. I realize that there are starving kids in China – probably elsewhere too – and there is homelessness and poverty and those drug addicts on The Wire who steal copper pipes just to pay for their next fix. So yeah, things could be worse. On a scale from getting eaten by a Sharknado, to winning the lottery, my weekend was somewhere slightly below average – probably just above “taking a poop in someone else’s house and realizing the toilet paper roll is empty”.

But I’m complaining because normally my life is super awesome. I have a great job, a beautiful wife, a pain-in-the-ass-but-still-lovable cat, and two sports teams who could win a championship this year. And that’s only like half of what I have. My life is great, which is why when something mildly shitty happens, it feels pretty darn shitty compared to my normal life. And that’s how this weekend felt.

I woke up Saturday morning, expecting to go for a bike ride with some friends. As I was toasting a bagel, I noticed Shaqachusetts scratching at the widow by his kitty-fort. Then I noticed the window was cracked open. Weird. Then I noticed the lock on the window was broken, and Shaq’s kitty fort was shoved out of the way, and the back door was unlocked, and the screen from the window was lying in the backyard, and oh yeah, Jenny’s clothes from the bedside table downstairs were thrown on the floor, and my dresser drawers had been open when I got home last night, and holy crap, Jenny’s iPad was missing, and damnit, now my bagel’s burning. It’s a very strange feeling when you realize your house was broken into. Especially when you didn’t even notice the night before. I guess that speaks to how, in the great scheme of things, it really was only mildly shitty. But still, it feels really strange and it sucks a lot. Just the thought of some douchebag asshole punk going through your things, taking whatever he (or she? ... ok fine, he) wants. I guess I should be relieved that he closed the door and window behind him, only took an iPad and a bunch of i-device chargers, and didn’t do any unnecessary damage or destruction. He’s still an asshole though and the feeling is still super unsettling. But the reality is if your life sucks so much that you need to break into random peoples’ houses to steal iPads, your normal day would be a super shitty day for me. Jerk. And if TV crime shows have taught me anything, you’ll end up in prison, getting shivved on the way to the showers -- if you’re lucky.

The below-average weekend didn’t end there though. The Sounders played at 11:30, in a sort of “must win” game. And they got trounced. Again. For the first time in franchise history, they lost their fourth consecutive game. I’m now convinced the front office cursed us by sending out a “reserve your playoff tickets now” e-mail before we had officially qualified for the playoffs. In their defense, the only way we wouldn’t have qualified when they sent that out was if we lost the rest of our games and some other teams won/lost appropriately. But now it’s looking like that’s exactly what might happen. When that cursed e-mail was sent, the Sounders were one point out of first place in the league. Since then we’ve lost 1-5, 1-4, 0-1 and 0-2. That’s a 2-12 goal differential for those keeping score at home. Oh, also Oba got hurt, Eddie got hurt, Zakuani got hurt, Dempsey dislocated his shoulder, Zach Scott got suspended, Ozzie got suspended, and Portland qualified for the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. This is textbook sports-curse stuff. And sports-curses are not something to take lightly, just ask any Boston fan.

As if having a stranger dig through our underwear drawers and watching our beloved Sounders cursed for the foreseeable future wasn’t enough, my “could have gone a lot better” weekend continued this morning. I had to come into work at 5am on a Sunday. We’re upgrading Epic, our EMR, to the 2012 release. It’s actually kind of a big deal and honestly a good thing. But coming to work at 5am on a Sunday isn’t very much fun. Even when you’re helping solve the health care crisis. Hashtag Humblebrag.

I guess that really does put things in perspective though right? My shitty weekend involved “only” having an iPad stolen, watching one of my teams lose, and coming into a job that I love at 5am to do work that is meaningful, rewarding, and important. Later today, I’ll go to a dinner party with some of my best friends and watch my Broncos play on Sunday Night Football. Sure, they could lose too. And the way the weekend is going, they probably will. But it’ll be okay. I mean, it’ll suck compared to my normal weekend. But there are starving kids in China, lighten up.

And we’ll be ready next time. We’re getting a probably over-priced security system installed. It’s worth it for the peace of mind. I’ll figure out a way to appease the sports-gods to get this Sounders curse lifted (hopefully before the playoffs), and the Broncos have Peyton Effing Manning. Relax. My life is pretty great, even if my weekend was below average.